The Puddles

In the last year, my return to church has been tumultuous. A few people have become upset with me. I have desperately tried to work things out. Apologizing. Meeting with the people to see how we can better work together. Trying to make this work for the sake of my own sanity and for my husband’s ministry.

Problem 1: I only returned to church because of Covid. My husband asked for me to come and help him livestream worship. The whole family came in to help. Changes were happening on a regular basis especially with the pandemic and the political nature of it all. What we had been doing at the church for the last ten years wasn’t necessarily going to work in the new pandemic paradigm.

Some people worked well with change. Some did not. All of this created conflict with myself and another. Mainly the problem was that I couldn’t figure out how to meet this person’s expectations. I was constantly upsetting the other person. And since, I can only control myself and my own behavior, the end result of this conflict can only rest on my shoulders.

Problem 2: Having friends in the church is hard. And I don’t mean casual friends. I mean people that you consider so close that you think of them as family; welcoming them into the inner sanctum of our family life and privy to the struggles and triumphs in our life that we would normally not share with the entire world.

The one thing that I have always said is that I feared people using their connection to us as the pastor’s family as leverage for their own gain. I have been so careful as to whom I let into our family’s life because of that fear. I am sad when I chose poorly. Ultimately, I am the gatekeeper to our home.

So, what does this mean for my blog?

I fear my words being used against me.

I fear my husband not being able to continue doing ministry which I truly think he is called to do.

I fear saying something that will unintentionally hurt someone.

So I am making some of my posts private. I will gladly share the password to those who request it.

Thank you for your understanding during this painful time.

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