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When a congregation decides to “call” a pastor to its church, it is a long and thorough process.  Many “jobs” are like that.  Many jobs are not.  But there are stark differences between hiring someone is the secular world and calling a pastor to a church.

Besides President of the United States and other political positions, how many jobs out there interview the spouse of the applicant and review the immediate members of the applicant’s family before hiring them? That actually happens in the church.  It is not a formal part of the “call” process.  But it happens.  I was interviewed, maybe not with the same questions that they asked my husband, but it happened.  Each time my husband has reached the final stage of the call process with a church, I have been invited to attend a weekend with the congregation.  The premise is usually to introduce the pastor’s family to the congregation and to show the pastor’s spouse and family around the community, but the other side of that premise is that they are getting to know you to see if you will be a good fit for their church and community.  Trust me, if my children were crazy and wild during this “interview” process, my husband would NOT be called.

Our behavior is watched and judged.  What my children wear, how they behave, the clubs that they join, how involved they are in church is scrutinized.  Over the last 20 years my husband has been on staff at a church, either as a pastor or a youth director.  During that time, I have been accused of being a bad parent during a council meeting which was then thoroughly discussed by all members of council (even when my husband asked them to stop).  I have been asked to teach Sunday school and then had that offered rescinded.  I have been accused of not saying “hello” to a member when they walked past me in the hallway which then caused the family to ___________ (fill in the blank with some kind of negative response to the church.  God forbid that I ignored someone unintentionally).  My children have been dis-invited to birthday parties after the family became upset with my husband.  I have had members accuse me of being greedy when the church decided to hold a fundraiser for my son during one of his open heart surgeries.  It goes on and on and on.

One of the worst times for me lately was when someone became upset with me for a  multitude of reasons with the most egregious being that I thought I was better than her because I was the pastor’s wife.  Which resulted in me going to mediation with her and her husband for SIX HOURS with an outside mediator.  After six hours of mediation, she told the mediator that she didn’t know what she needed in order for this to be resolved and I told her out of frustration that the ONLY reason that I was there was BECAUSE I was the Pastor’s wife and that normally disagreements between members do not involve an outside mediator and entire day spent negotiating a resolution.

The families of the pastor receive very little in return for the hours missed with Daddy so that he can be with others during emergencies, or when church members feel free to talk negatively about the Pastor (a.k.a. their Dad) in front of them, or when people act inappropriately and you are not allowed to say anything.  The Pastor is someone who is truly called to serving God and sharing His good news to others.  Not the spouse.  Not the children of the pastor.

And yet, we are not allowed to become angry with others.  We must consider the many factors that may be going into that person’s decision to behave that way.  It is NOT alright for the Pastor to defend himself.  He/She must ALWAYS submit.  That is what you are taught.  We must listen to those who are angry and try to find a way to peace.  We must consider the rough life of poverty/violence/misogyny/racism/etc. that they must be going through. We must ALWAYS hold ourselves to a higher standard even when the other person will not.  Just because they are behaving a certain way doesn’t mean that we can behave that way as well.

The church DOES NOT allow you to publicly defend yourself against those that bring complaints against you.  You have to pray that someone (meaning another member of the church) is willing to do that for you.  I think that some people know that and take advantage of it.  When I had someone going around and spreading lies about me to cover her own misdeeds, I found out years later.  Out of respect for my position as “Pastor’s wife”, the people hearing the lies did not ask me if it was true.  They just did not spread the lie any further but allowed the lie to cloud their opinion of me.  Two years later they shared with me what happened and I was stunned and sad.

Out of 100 members of a church, perhaps only 1 or 2 are upset with you.  And then because everyone has different levels of involvement of the church, perhaps only 5 out of 100 know about it from your perspective because they are leaders in the church and are privy to the entire story.  Because the pastor is a leader in the church, if he publicly said  anything about it, it would be considered an abuse of his/her power as leader.  So what do you do?  How do you handle it?  As a Christian leader, what is the answer?

We often say in the church, “the issue is never the issue”.  A member may say he is upset about the politics of the national church and is going to leave the church because of it.  Or is he leaving because he made a huge financial commitment to the church and he can no longer uphold his commitment?  There is often a deeper problem going on besides what a person outwardly says to others.

In the end, being the family of the pastor is often a thankless, stressful, emotionally-painful job.  There are days that I want to just scream from the rooftop.  I want to be the town crier and loudly announce the misdeeds of those who speak against my husband.  When I am the one attacked, I want to be the one who gets to go the council and boldly tell them how I have been wronged.  I don’t want to do the right thing.  I want to stoop to my carnal nature and lash out at those who would seek ill will against my family, but I can’t.

There is no outlet for the Pastor’s family to turn to in order to vent and process.  Of course there is always therapy (which has been our constant tool for each member of our family). But with whom can you share your trouble  with in order to deal with the pain and grief of what is afflicting you in the church.  No one.

We used to have a small group of friends that met on a regular basis with whom we shared our highs and lows in life with each other.  It was a safe place for almost six years for us to cope and deal with any and all  joys and struggles that we might be dealing with.  But that came ended right before I stopped going to church.

About 1 1/2 years ago, I just stopped going to church.  In the beginning it was because the person angry with me was heavily involved and I felt it was better to just avoid her presence and allow her to be a part of the church than to continue upsetting her with my presence.  There was nothing I could do.  I had no power.  The accuser in this situation had ALL of it. 

Then the quarantine happened, and because I was living in the same household as the Pastor my help was needed and required.  Our motivation for helping to make worship happen is because we love the Pastor/Husband/Dad.  We also love the church.  We do not allow a few bad apples to ruin the entire bunch.

If you are a member of a church, here is what I would ask of you:

  • Consider the emotional welfare of the pastor and staff’s family.
  • Do not assume that you know everything just because you go to church every Sunday.
  • If someone EVER complains to you, make sure you next question to them is, “Have you spoken to ______ about this?”  If the answer is no, then the complaint MUST die there.  Gossip only festers and allows disease inside a community.
  • Remember that everyone is human and everyone makes very human mistakes.
  • Do not hold any person to higher standard than you ask of yourself.

There are so many different ways to be a spouse of a pastor.  I have seen spouses serve on church council and hold other leadership positions.  I have seen spouses do absolutely nothing.  There is no perfect way to be a pastor’s wife.  Someone will ALWAYS be disappointed in you.

In the end, the best thing that a pastor’s wife can do is to create a safe haven at home for your family.  Whatever that looks like.  A safe place for the pastor to not have to discuss church.  A safe place for your children to be their true selves.  And try to create a safe place for yourself emotionally so that you can ride the rough waves of ministry.

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A walk and a nap

Chris and I were able to go on a long walk after breakfast this morning.  It was nice to get away.  The sky was cloudy.  The wind of blowing.  The beach was clean.  Wonderful morning.  img_6213

After the walk, we came inside and everyone worked on getting their chores done.  Then outside is where everyone went.  Dad doesn’t care where, but only that it is done outside.  I decided to go out on my porch and work on a few things.  Then Ainsley decided to join me.  She had a different focus.  A nap.

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She had played in the water for awhile and had now decided to sleep.  And sleep she is.  She has been asleep for hours.  Of course, as someone who has fallen asleep on that same deck chair, I know how wonderful it feels to nap outside in the shade with the wind blowing all of the bugs away.  In fact it is even cool enough up here to wrap up in a cozy blanket and not get hot.  So peaceful.

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is to annoy each other with love.  We call it “forced love” in our family.  When someone is grumpy and the general methods of trying to cheer them up isn’t working, then we do a little “forced love”.  Lots of hugs piled on hugs.  Tickling. Trying to get them to laugh.  Sometimes it works.  Sometimes it doesn’t.   Ainsley was the target of our family cheering up last night.  And her wrath was fierce.  She didn’t want to take a walk with us, so we decided to pick her up and take her with us.  This obviously did NOT go over well.

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So what did your family do today?  Well today Dad decided he was tired of looking at the county’s port-a-potty right outside our porch view.  So he decided he was going to move it.

Granted the fact that it had been blown over after the sanitation guys had cleaned it out made it an opportunity that he couldn’t pass up.  But of course this required the entire family (or so he says).

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Then we talked about how the potty was no upwind from our shelter.  It is also the first port-a-potty on this stretch of beach, so we get lots of visitors. But it was still fun.  And watching the whole family work together to get it in the right place was cool too.

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We received an email yesterday telling us that Ainsley had won a free week at Girl Scout resident camp.   She was put in a drawing because she had registered early for her membership next year.  And she actually won.  At first she was excited and then she got nervous.  Worried that she wouldn’t know anyone.  Worried that she wouldn’t make friends.  Worried that she would miss that last few days at the beach house. Once I assure her that she would be fine.  And in fact, the last few days of us being at the beach house will be more about packing and getting ready to go home.  She jumped at the chance to not be here.  Smart girl.  So now she is going to Camp Misty Meadows for a week.  She is so excited.  She has never gone to camp by herself.  I think she will be great!  img_6201

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Still sick, but at least I am back with my family.  I am taking it slow, but Chris has been pushing me to do more and not to just sit on the porch.  So I’m trying.  It still feels great to be here!!!

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For the most part living in a house full of teenagers is a emotional roller coaster. And then there are times that I realize the years of training and raising of these children into young adults does occasionally pay off.

My eldest has been an awesome helper this week.  I let her do whatever she wants during the day and a few times a day she brings me food.  And even better . . . she can do the grocery shopping.  Give her the list.  Give her the money.  Send her inside. She texts me when she is finished.  Awesome.

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The best part of all is that all I have to do is tell her I need Diet Coke and she buys not one pack or two packs, but three packs!!  She was fearful that I would run out.  Now that’s a good kid.

I am thankful for Madie this week.  I am still home and still exhausted.  Hopefully tomorrow we will go back to the beach.  This sickness thing stinks.  Getting better at home has been a huge blessing, but its time to reunite with the family.  So I pray tomorrow we will get there!

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A big update on Ben.

It has been awhile since I’ve posted anything regarding Ben’s health status.  So since I have a lot of “time” on my hands.  I thought I would share how Ben is doing.

First of all, Ben is currently doing well.

Two years ago, Ben had his third open heart surgery.  I posted a lot about that.   One year ago, Ben had a Melody valve placed.  Each time the goal for the surgeries was to solve all of the variety of symptoms that he had been having.  And each time it solved some issues, but not all.

During the last three years Ben has had a series of problematic symptoms that have caused him numerous health issues and a lot of missed days of school (last year he had over 50 absent days and that doesn’t count the partial days where he either had a doctor’s visit or went home early because he didn’t feel good).  High blood pressure, low blood pressure, fatigue, vomiting, diarrhea, migraines, dizziness, low muscle tone, chest pain, etc., etc., etc.

When you are diagnosed with high blood pressure, kidney disease, congenital heart disease, severe acid reflux, and dysautonomia (just to name a few).  The symptoms can point to any and all of these diagnoses.  So for the last three years, we have gone through one specialist after another, one test after another, one medication after another to try and solve all his health issues.  These issues aren’t like a rash.  They interfere significantly with his daily life.

After Ben’s last valve placement the cardiologist gave us a good report stating that it looked like the valve had solved the leak for the moment. So since Ben’s heart was in a good place, we decided to tackle Ben’s stomach issues.  He has been randomly throwing up and struggling with severe heart burn since he was born, but it truly became a problem went he went to kindergarten and he kept getting sent home because he was throwing up in school.   Over the years, we have increased his meds, added meds, completed a lot of diagnostic testing, and he continued to get worse.  So last summer I made an appointment with a doctor who had a reputation for looking at alternative ways of dealing with GI issues.  At that point, we felt like we had exhausted traditional medicine.  As of last spring, the last straw for us was when we had several doctors who said, “We know he is having the symptoms. Our tests show that the issues are there, but we have no idea why or how to solve it.”  So my thought was, talking to this doctor can’t hurt.  Chris finally conceded to going to this doctor.  He does not like “alternative” medicine.  But the poor boy had been throwing up almost every day that summer and fall.  So why not try something new?

After reviewing Ben’s long medical history.  She ordered several test.  The only test that was invasive was blood work.   After the testing, we met with her.  She said Ben was sensitive to a dozen different foods.  He wasn’t having an anaphylactic reaction, but his immune system was still attacking the food in a different way.  It was a slow buildup that would attack the lining of his esophagus, stomach, and intestines.  So Ben started a new diet.   He is allergic to the following: Clams (gross), eggs, milk, cheese, honey, peanuts, soybean, apple, bananas, coconut, barley, bran, corn, gluten, malt, rye, and wheat.  This diet is really hard.  Gluten-free and milk-free isn’t so bad.  Add corn-free, soy-free, and coconut-free and its like climbing Mount Everest without a sherpa.   I didn’t know what to do.  But its just a diet, right?  If it helps, then it is totally worth it.

So then came the hard part . . . sharing this information with his other doctors.  Our pediatrician is awesome, but she won’t recommend anything that doesn’t have peer-reviewed research backing it up. It is one of the reasons we like her so much.  But so far, she and Ben’s other 1000 doctors hadn’t found a solution to dealing with Ben’s GI problems.  So we confessed.  I got in trouble. She called this other doctor a quack.  I just kept assuring her that this wasn’t invasive and that it was only a diet in the end.  And better yet . . . after a month of not eating any of these foods, he stopped throwing up.  He was actually feeling better.

A few days later I get a phone call from the pediatrician’s office.  Apparently Ben had been on our pediatrician’s mind and she woke up one night thinking about Ben’s GI issues and all of the recent developments.  She then called Ben’s GI doctor and discussed her idea with him.  The nurse was calling to give us an update.  Both our pediatrician and the GI doctor thought Ben might have a rare disease called EOE.  And that they had gotten an appointment with Ben to see an allergist at TCH that specialized in this type of disease.

So this quack doctor may have been onto something ;)!  So a visit with the allergist, GI doctor, and kidney doctor led us to finally deciding to allow the GI doctor to do an endoscopy, patch testing (a different kind of allergy testing), and some more blood work. After months of these numerous visits and testing, the end result is . . . Ben is allergic to the foods listed above plus chicken, beef, and rice. An additional patch testing called T.R.U.E. test showed he is allergic to gold, fragrance, and other chemicals I can’t even name. This was terribly overwhelming.  The endoscopy showed that Ben was showing changes to the basal layer of his stomach and esophagus. He also showed a large amount of bile in his stomach.  So the doctor could see that damage was occurring to his stomach and esophagus, but he cannot tell what is causing all of the damage.   The biopsies did not show that he had EOE.  The allergist said that all of the testing must have been false positives, that she didn’t know why or what was causing any of his issues and she offered no solution.  I have never felt so helpless. It was all I could do to walk with Ben to the car without crying.

As soon as I got into the car, I just started crying. Ben reached over and patted my arm and told me that it was going to be ok. Here is this kid who has been through so much and he is comforting me!!! That made me cry even more.  I rarely cry.  I rarely get upset.  But after everything we had been through and especially what Ben had been through, when a doctor says, “Sorry. I can’t help you,” I just want to run away and never come back again. We have had this happen to us so many times. “Sorry. Clearly he has problems.  The tests show it.  But we don’t know why.  We don’t know what to do to fix it. And we have no plan on how to make this better.  No need for a follow-up.  Go back to your pediatrician.”

Are you kidding me?  No they are not.  This time both our GI and pediatrician were upset with the allergist.  They both said that despite what the allergist said Ben needed to continue the diet and that they would continue seeking help from their colleagues to get to the bottom of Ben’s symptoms.

Meanwhile, Ben went back to his neurologist to deal with his migraines.  So we’ve added a migraine preventative med to his regimen.  That doctor believes that he might have a mild connective tissue disorder.  So Ben spit into a cup for DNA testing.  And he will have an EEG for 24 hours to monitor his brain.  Sounds like fun, right?

And . . . Ben broke his foot again. Same bone as last year, but on the other foot.  Seriously, he’s been in a boot for three springs in a row.  At least with this one, we can chalk it up to him being a 13 year old boy!   As the doctor said, at least he feels well enough to run around and play.

To top it all off . . . Ben has been doing cardiac rehab this year at TIRR. So twice a week, we would go to rehab in the morning.  After the diet changes and his broken foot, he has been losing so much weight and muscle tone that we have now having to give him vegan protein smoothies every day.

So here’s the final result:

  • Cardiologist – increased leaking from pulmonary valve but as of last visit the leak had stabilized to a moderate level.
  • Neurologist – diagnosed with migraines and prescribed new meds for prevention. is doing additional testing for connective tissue disorder. And ordered an at home EEG.
  • Nephrology – lowered blood pressure meds and everything else looks good
  • Allergist – yes, he is allergic. no, he’s not allergic.
  • Gastroenterologist – continue elimination diet.  Added a new med to coat the stomach/esophagus to aid in healing.  will share Ben’s case with colleagues.
  • Podiatrist – thinks Ben has an inflamed growth plate in his foot and has ordered an MRI.  Must be non-weight bearing for a few months.
  • “Quack” doctor (but in reality she was the first doctor to help Ben’s vomiting.  Ben told her the last time that she was his favorite) – keep up the diet.  would like to test his “output”  for any deficiencies.
  • Psychiatrist – Ben is dealing with significant stress and anxiety.  Continue to see therapist and increased medicine.
  • Therapist – worried about Ben.  sabbatical can’t come fast enough.  He needs a break.
  • Physical Therapist – he is losing muscle tone. He is losing so much weight that his body is starting to metabolize muscle. Increase exercise and protein intake.
  • Dysautonomia specialist – currently not taking any new patients and no other dysautonomia specialist will see Ben due to his complex medical history.
  • Orthodontist and dentist – Yep. He has loads of teeth issues.

And of course, there is our pediatrician who continues to be the team leader and help us deal with all of Ben’s health concerns.   She is fabulous and I don’t know what we would do without her.

But did you count those specialists? 11.  Eleven specialist to drive to, to make appointments with, to follow through on their orders and tests, and to make sure we are doing the home care that they ask us too.   And those are just the specialists that we have been dealing with this year.  You can see why I sometimes call myself a “medical taxi driver.”  There are days that I feel like that is all I do.  Take Ben to doctor and therapy visits, or pick him up from school because he isn’t feeling well.  Or making phone calls for follow up appointments, picking up meds, talking with the school, reporting to the pediatrician’s office, dealing with insurance, etc.

It really is a full time job. Plus there are two other children in our family and a husband. (It’s no wonder that I’m as sick as I am. )

This sabbatical is for Ben too, as well as the rest of the family.  We promised him no medical visits during our beach stay unless he decided otherwise.   This has been a long road for Ben.  He is so frustrated right now.  He hates the diet, but he is happy with how he feels on the diet. So he wants to continue it.   He’s mad at God.  He is frustrated with the medical system.  He needs to be boy and to run around and play like a kid. So this summer he is.

He is almost 14 years old.  In the last few years, we have been working on teaching him how to take care of his medical needs.  What medicine is he on?  Teaching him to engage with the doctors and ask questions.  Let him help make some medical decisions. Some day he will be on his own.  He won’t have his mom there to help.  So we are working towards that day.  But Ben’s case is complex.  He doesn’t understand everything yet.  I worry about the future.  There are times that I can’t think more than one day ahead. Planning this sabbatical a year in advance was sooooo hard. We have been living no more than six months at a time for over 11 years.

These three months mean so much to us as a family.  Hanging out more. Forgetting what our real life is like.  Trying to forget that we have a chronically sick child. So play away, Ben.  And he is.  Even though he slathers on the sunscreen, his coloring has turned from a gray color to a nice tan.

When school starts we will jump right back into our routines again. I’ve told ALL of his doctors that we will not be seeing them for three months.  So they all understood completely and were excited for our family to get away.  In August (once school starts) we will be back to the craziness.  I think he already has 5 doctor visits scheduled for September, but that is ok.  We will be ready and rested by then.

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New goal.  We leave Friday.  After Chris and Madie came back for the day to finish a few tasks at the house, Chris decided that I needed to go back to the doctor and stay another few days.  With a tropical storm brewing in the gulf, it was just better to hang at home, go see the doctor one more time, and let the storm decide what she was going to do.

The doctor said that if it is mold causing my breathing issues it would be another week at least.  If it is mono causing my issues, then it will be another 3 weeks. Yuck.  She did give me some cough medicine to help slow down the coughing, but there is no magic pill.  I just have to tough this illness out.

So mom is sick which included a trip to the ER. Ben started off the trip ill.  We have a storm brewing in the gulf very early in the hurricane season. Our family is split into two homesteads.  The truck had an incident.  The sheriff has pulled over two members of our family (not me!). Luckily no tickets.  Our newest driver hit a curb and blew out a tire.  We had a phone get dropped in the gulf.  I’m trying not to start thinking that our sabbatical is jinxed. But OMG, I feel like all of the signs are there!  Or maybe we are just getting all of the bad stuff out of the way.  Yeah. I’m sure that’s it.

I think that the storm will pass us.  Chris said that the tide was really high today.  It came all of the way up to the dunes.  Madie decided to hang out with me in Conroe.  I think most importantly she decided that she and Ainsley in the same house without mom to buffer would be a death wish for one of them.

So I have to keep trying to sit here and be still.  It.is.so.hard.  So here’s hoping for a better day tomorrow so I can head back to the beach house on Friday.

p.s.  And I pray that I’m not allergic to the beach house.

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