It has been a rough couple of days from my brain. For whatever reason, I have had a hard time wrapping my head around this new issue with Ben. Perhaps it is because I have yet to let myself really cry about it. I understand that this is not terrible compared to his earlier issue. But please . . . I don’t want to compare it. I don’t want him to HAVE the issue to begin with! Little boys shouldn’t be worried about blood pressure and salt intake and medication to keep his heart in working order. And until I get a long moment without the children, I won’t have that moment to grieve for his loss of normalcy.
That thought has consumed me for the last few days. All I really wanted to do was crawl into a corner and cry, but . . . then there was Madie.
Madie has a slumber party tonight. Her 8 1/2 year old birthday party. She is so excited. She has been planning it for a week. Making lists. Creating games. Putting together a schedule. So last night after an evening of bowling, Madie begged me that I let her go shopping with me for her party. She never asks to go shopping with me. NEVER. Especially to Walmart. So I said yes. Madie grabbed her notebook with her party plan in it and jumped in the car. We had so much fun. She got to pick all of the stuff for her party. She didn’t complain at all when we had to pick out other stuff for the house. She just kept to her list and checking things off to make sure that everything for her party was taken care of. Her eyes were so blood shot at 10:45pm when we were checking out. Poor girl. But there was this huge smile on her face. She told the cashier about her party. She told the girl at McDonald’s (she needed a little sugar to continue the shopping journey) about her party. I love that girl. It was such a joy to hang with her last night. She reminded me of the joys of life. Family and taking in the good moments when they come and stocking that feeling of love and joy away for a rainy day when life is not going so well.
I wanted my story and Ben’s story and our family’s story to go so differently. But it is what it is. I am slowly adapting to the recent plot twist. It is hard for me to accept change. Chris says it takes me about six months to adjust to a major life change. I don’t know about that. It will take me awhile. But I’ll get there.
The Puddles 
I can’t say that I know exactly how you feel, but it is amazing to have a little girl to pull you out of your funk. When we lost our son, Bethany was there and kept me grounded and moving forward. I also was grateful for the support of those around me, but there were times when I had to find some time to myself to be angry and upset and greive for my hopes and dreams for a healthy son. It was hard to lean on my husband because he was going through it in his own way as well. If there is anything I can do to help you, please let me know. I am praying for Ben and your family everyday.